Tuesday, December 1, 2015

The Best Christmas Songs

Need a new Christmas playlist for your commute to work, decorating the tree, or baking around the house? Look no further, the Hagans have your back! Here's a list of some of our favorites that we've been listening to in the #HaganHome. You're welcome in advance:

Best Overall Christmas Song (shut up, you know it's true)


Best Christmas Song from a Ballet


Best Christmas Song to Come Out of Peanuts


Best "Holy Moly, I Just Got Goosebumps!" Christmas Song


Best Christmas Song You're Embarrassed to Know


Best Christmas Song You Should be Embarrassed to Know but it's Actually Your Favorite


Best Use of Both a Rudolph and Santa Nickname


Best Jackson 5 Christmas Song


Best "OMG! I Forgot This Existed!" Christmas Song


Best Creepily Sexualizing the Holiday Season Song


Best Song for Stealing Christmas


Best Christmas Medley


Best "We Should Totally Watch Home Alone" Christmas Song


Best Do-Your-Best-Air-Keyboard Christmas Song


Best This-Isn't-PC-But-We-Still-Love-it-from-the-90s Christmas Song


Best Christmas Song from South of the Border


Best "J/K, That's Not The End!" Christmas Song


Best Christmas Song That Your Husband Isn't Allowed To Sing Because His Chipmunk Voice Is Terrifying


Best Christmas Song that Uses the Word "Shawty"


Best Song Your Mom Starts Singing Cuz She Knows It Was Your Favorite Growing Up

(I couldn't find a great video, but if you want a solid Christmas CD, download Fred Penner's The Season, apparently rebranded "Christmastime" even though my copy circa 1990 says otherwise.)

Best Non-Christmas Song


What's your favorite Christmas song?!

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Things I've Learned in 1 Year of Marriage

TPH and I just celebrated one year of marriage. Can you believe it? It seems like just yesterday, we were sharing our exciting news via social media like all good millennials should.

Now that we're practically marriage pros, I thought I'd impart some wisdom to those who haven't quite hit this milestone (like our friend Juliette, who is getting married tomorrow). Thus, I present to you things I've learned in one year of marriage:

1. When taking selfies with your spouse, make sure to take a bunch, then steal his/her phone and delete the ones you don't love so that he/she doesn't "accidentally" post them on social media.


2. When you want something, forget hints. Just tell your spouse exactly what you want. Explicitly. Lots of times. Then, fake being surprised when you finally get it.




3. Don't laugh at your spouse's jokes too much, or else they'll start thinking they're a stand-up comedian and keep trying. 



4. Stake claim to the last piece of bread(/pizza/pie/insert_food_item_here) or else your spouse will probably think it's his/hers, then eat it even though you were saving it for lunch the next day.




5. Don't ask your spouse's opinion on home decor. Trust me. Just buy what you like then pretend like it's been up forever. Ignore if he/she asks questions.




6. When talking about something important, give your spouse a heads up that you are talking about something important.



7. And lastly, when you have an argument, instead of doing it together in private, do what we do: crowdsource and ask the internet. 



You're welcome in advance, newlyweds.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

They say it's your birthday

Errr, they say it was your birthday, but your wife didn't come up with a blog post quick enough to post it on your birthday.

(That was the real version the Beatles came up with, but it wasn't as catchy for them to sing so McCartney decided to change it.)

Since I'm the worst wife ever, I like to embarrass my husband. I found out that his work team didn't even know it was his birthday and didn't get to celebrate [which kind of breaks my heart] so I figured I'd step up and do some more celebrating. I present to you: 

What Paul Thought on His Birthday
(in pictures)

Oh, it was my birthday? I turned 55! 

"I loooooove cake! And looking darn adorable with food everywhere on me!" -Paul in this picture, and just yesterday

Okay, so I only turned 32, but that's kind of close. 

Do you know what I dreamed about getting for my birthday gift?

Is it an awesome wife?! Hell yeah it is.

An Xbox One! But there is no way my wife would ever get me an Xbox. I wonder if there's a way to convince her that an Xbox is the greatest gift she could give me.

Since marriage, my style has been on point. Maybe that'll convince her?

Maybe if I just be on my best behavior, she'll surprise me with one?

If you didn't immediately fall in love with 4yo Paul from this photo, you're HEARTLESS.

THAT WORKED! I GOT AN XBOX!

I knew this photo would come in handy one day.

I have the best wife ever.

YAY!

More like, "Eeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Friday, July 31, 2015

Having adult fun

How do you have fun?

I have a blast doing silly things like singing anywhere, dancing to any music/muzak played in public, and pretty much embarrassing my husband.

Behold: all three combined!




(Shout out to Paul, who was so sweet and only complained like, 200 times. Thanks, honey.)

This is actually the fourth one we've put together, and although it's kind of a hassle (a lot of people pretend to be excited about it but decide it's too much work to actually record), I love every single one of them. Check out our first, second, and third ones here!

While you're internet stalking, check out the other awesome blogger/tweeters who participated this round:

Micah's blog // Micah's Twitter
Erin's blog // Erin's Twitter
Holly's blog // Holly's Twitter
Veronica's blog // Veronica's Twitter


Monday, July 6, 2015

Babies.

We're at the point in our marriage (and age, I guess) where the majority of our friends have children. Babies. Womb fruit.* Seriously, everywhere we go, all I see is babies.




TMI alert
: Paul and I aren't actively trying for any children right now. In fact, I think the idea of raising another human being from literally nothing secretly freaks him out--which of course is why I use every opportunity to look at him with my motherly eyes and rub my non-pregnant belly.





Sometimes I softly sing "Baaaaaby!" to make it sound even more excited to start procreating, to which his reply is something like this:


(I imagine that is what our future kid will look like sliding out of my uterus. I'm pretty sure that's how this baby thing works.)


In all seriousness, I think I'd be an awesome mom but Paul keeps squashing that dream, insisting that we wait until after my brother and sister-in-love Sandra get married in Mexico next summer.




For now, since we don't have any kids and aren't planning on any for a while, I guess I'll just cope with my other two babies.






*Shout out to Amy Pagitt, who we first heard this term from and now use in reference to our fictitious children. She also uses serial commas, so she's practically my favorite of all time.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Paul's Bachelorette Live Journal

Being married means sometimes you watch things you wouldn't otherwise. For Sarah, that means Mad Max: Fury Road. For me, that means The Bachelorette. To help you understand what I'm going through, I'm keeping a live journal of the first episode.

Our host explains tonight is controversial because there are two The Bachelorettes, but for one night only.

According to our host, the men were split on which woman they could fall in love with after not interacting with either even once, so they decided to let them choose. Much like you would determine what book to read by its cover, or how you might be torn on which piece of meat to get from the grocery store.

butcher britt kaitlyn bachelorette

Sarah, reacting to the host saying Britt was sincere: "Is she?! Then why does everyone say she isn't?!" Sar then went on to ask if Britt ordered the Code Red.

"ARE YOU HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS?!"

Britt apparently fell in love on her first night of The Bachelor, as one does.

Sar, actual quote: "He's cute...but he lives in Idaho." Later, same guy: "He just welded a @#$%ing flower, honey! Talent!" Points to the potato state.

wikus steel rose
"So you're telling me there's a chance?"

Kaitlyn and Britt rolled up at the same time in separate limos, as one does.

(I just read Steph Curry just did this to the Houston Rockets, and I'm kinda devastated that I didn't see it.)

Jared, the Restaurant Manager with Questionable Facial Hair, is the recipient of side-eye from Sarah. The fact that he's declared himself the superhero Love Man isn't helping his case.

THERE'S A DUDE NAMED KUPAH ON THE SHOW. Shut down everything.

koopa troopa
I love you so much, I'd take Toad in Mario Kart.

Sarah is decidedly pro anyone on #TeamKaitlyn, especially the hockey player who wanted to puck Kaitlyn. Some might be ashamed of hockey puns, but I bet he regretzkys nothing.

Oooh, a law student who doubles as an exotic dancer! You've got my atte...wait, it's a guy! No! NOO!

There's a guy in the house yelling "I'M ALL HORNED UP", who then went outside and told the guy who rolled up in a hot tub car "THAT CAR SUCKS!" I mean, he's not wrong, but that's not what one does.

Wait, Hot Tub Car Guy is an Amateur Sex Coach. Sar: "That means he just sits in the Self Help section of Barnes & Noble and whispers at women."

And suddently, a dentist just arrived in a giant cupcake car.

dentist wagon django unchained
Dentists are known for their stylish rides.

Our host just reminded us that the guys are choosing which woman they want to spend the season objectifying. Yes, Guy Who's All Horned Up gets the same number of votes as everyone else. Such is democracy.

The voting for which woman the men will pursue this season has begun! They place a rose in a box dedicated to the woman they want, based on appearance and a couple of hours of being in the same room. Meanwhile, in 1920...

susan b anthony meme

Guy Who's All Horned Up has literally started grabbing asses. I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for one of the guys to beat the crap out of...

...I stopped that sentence mid-stream because he stripped down and climbed in the pool. And then asked a dude why he isn't raping him right now. 

Ooop, our host is sending Guy Who's All Horned Up home because he's not there for The Right Reasons. Credit where it's due: the host actually perp-walked the dude to the van, not security. Props.

chris harrison professional badass
"Son, you need to leave before I snatch the life out you."

So far, Sar is a fan of Ian and J.J. Not even kidding, I know two dudes who lived together named Ian and J.J., except both were significantly uglier than anyone on this show. And me.

Running up on the end of the episode, this exchange occured:

Host: "All the votes have been cast..."
Sarah: "Blah blah blah, we already known Kaitlyn won."
Me: "...I didn't."
Sarah: "All the news outlets had it three months ago. You're a paleantologist, Ross, dig a little deeper!"

sad ross



Monday, May 18, 2015

Sarah Reviews Mad Max: A Recap

Disclaimer: I have never seen any of the previous Mad Max movies other than the previews, so I'm pretty sure all of this is only 97% correct. Spoiler alerts incoming, so don't read if you haven't seen it. Or read and giggle, like Paul did.

The movie starts with Max and his car being Maxnapped by some dudes. They move him to a prison inside a big valley of dry desert (with three water pipes that rarely get turned on). He wakes up and Lost Boys (a lot of whom are on supplemental oxygen) are tattooing him. He's fine, albeit a little annoyed, until they bust out the branding iron and try to brand him with a skull. Max gets up, runs, and evades capture for a good 45 seconds until they capture him again. He is clearly a prisoner, and it looks like his greatest use is his blood, since they tattoo "O Negative" on his back. 

Charlize Theron, whose name is Furiosa (because a lady can't be Furious), is a big rig truck driver who is branded with the skull and has her head shaved. She's driving her truck to deliver "the breeders" to somebody else, but decides to head east. The Boys on her truck think she was given orders to do so, but everybody else back at camp (which I'm assuming is Thunderdome; all it was missing was Tina Turner) gets their panties in a wad and go after her, led by Bane, Leader of the Lost Boys. Don't worry, they give her adequate warning: drums, fireworks, and a dude playing a flaming guitar strapped to the front of a truck all announce they're coming.


Sucks for Max though, because he's now officially Bro White's Blood Bag. Since Bro White wants to go hunt Furiosa, he does the logical thing: he straps Max to the front of his car and attaches him via an IV blood transfusion tube and a chain. Obviously.


This is probably not just unsanitary, but it's not ideal for war either. 

Nobody is super upset by possible infections, though, because after Furiosa drives straight into a lightning-filled dust storm, Bro White and his hood ornament follow. During this time, Max sees a bunch of old memories, with a creepy little girl, an old guy, and a child's voice. It's here that we realize Max is only mad because he's susceptible to flashbacks. 

The dust storm is over and somehow Max survives. He's still strapped via blood chain to Bro White, so he picks up the still-unconscious Bro and starts walking over to Furiosa's big rig. He finds the breeders (scantily clad hot girls dressed in all white) cutting off their chastity belts (except for the preggo one, who we find out later was seeded by Bane himself). 



Furiosa and Max fight a little, Bro White wakes up, they all fight some more, and Max wins the rig while simultaneously punching out Bro White and unchaining himself. He doesn't get far, however, because Furiosa has a trick rig where you have to punch in a secret code for it to go. They agree that they'll drive together with the Hot Girls in the back.

Furious explains that she has already negotiated a safe passage through a rock quarry by arranging a fuel pod trade with a Dirt Bike Gang (with fabric dreadlocks). The Dirt Bikers aren't happy that so many people were following her, so they try to stop her but with Bane and the Lost Boys trying to shoot her, the fuel pod blows up. Apparently cars in the desert can withstand a lot of fire.


Meanwhile, Bane and the Boys pick up Bro White, who says he can get Bane's baby for him. When Bane and his Boys catch up to Furiosa's rig, Bro White says he'll get Furiosa alive so Bane can torture her. He laughs and gives Bro a gun, then tells him to kill her. He jumps onto the rig...and almost immediately falls off. Bane rolls his eyes and continues trying to fight Furiosa and Max while Bro hides in the back of the rig. Meanwhile, the Hot Girlsproving that they are more than just hothelp Furiosa and Max try to fight off Bane when preggo chick swings out, barely misses a rock, then accidentally slips and falls off the rig....when Bane's car promptly runs her over. Bane is sad and grieves.


Driving away, all the Girls are sad too, but Drew Barrymore decides that they need to be on high alert and climbs to the back to be the lookout. She sees Bro White in the back and talks to him, and we realize that he's a misguided good guy. They share a moment.

Meanwhile, preggo girl dies and Bane orders her baby cut out. It's a boy, which means they're more sad than they would've been if it was a girl, 'cuz sexism.

We flash back to Max and Furiosa, whose rig is stuck in mud. They get it unstuck with Bro White, and it is reinforced that Bro White is #TeamCharlize. Who isn't? They drive away and Furiosa explains that she knows there's green land beyond all this desert because she is from there, was stolen as a young girl, and is trying to get redemption. They drive up to a naked woman in a tower and Furiosa explains who she is. The woman calls a warning cry, slides down a rope [rope burn?!], and a gang of older women on motorcycles all roll up. They walk up to Furiosa and reminisce over good times because, surprise: there's no green land left. Furiosa cries as dust blows around her.

Max convinces them that the only place he's seen vegetation recently is back at the Thunderdome, so they should turn around and go right back to where they came from. Sure enough, they head back and engage in yet another fight with Bane and the Lost Boys, but this time led in part by a dude with attached nipple chain.

[I Googled "Mad Max nipple chain" to get a photo for you and I instantly regretted it. Don't ever do this.]

They fight, and this time it's a little more fun because they all now have vehicles with long seesaw sticks attached to them. Good thing dude with flaming guitar is still strapped to the front of a truck, 'cuz Max uses it to hit someone in the head. Furiosa eventually hooks Bane's oxygen mask and pulls it off, but to shake off the rest of the Boys, Bro White sacrifices himself at the rock quarry to block everybody with the rig. Furiosa and the crew drive off in Bane's car, while Drew Barrymore cries. 

In the car, Furiosa is having a bit of a hard time because she has a collapsed lung. Don't worry though, Max took First Aid 101 in college so he knows where to stab her with a rusty knife so that her lungs can fill up with air properly. He also hooks up an impromptu blood transfusion because she's lost all hers. 

They get back to the Thunderdome and show Bane's body to the Lost Boys. Everybody cheers 'cuz Bane is dead, and now the Lost Boys have someone else to take orders from. They turn on the water and everybody is happy.

The movie ends there. While chatting with Paul about how to end this blog post, he told me that Tom Hardy (Max) signed a contract to do three more Mad Max movies. Anybody want to pull a Bro White and sacrifice himself to go in my place?