Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Paul's Bachelorette Live Journal

Being married means sometimes you watch things you wouldn't otherwise. For Sarah, that means Mad Max: Fury Road. For me, that means The Bachelorette. To help you understand what I'm going through, I'm keeping a live journal of the first episode.

Our host explains tonight is controversial because there are two The Bachelorettes, but for one night only.

According to our host, the men were split on which woman they could fall in love with after not interacting with either even once, so they decided to let them choose. Much like you would determine what book to read by its cover, or how you might be torn on which piece of meat to get from the grocery store.

butcher britt kaitlyn bachelorette

Sarah, reacting to the host saying Britt was sincere: "Is she?! Then why does everyone say she isn't?!" Sar then went on to ask if Britt ordered the Code Red.


Britt apparently fell in love on her first night of The Bachelor, as one does.

Sar, actual quote: "He's cute...but he lives in Idaho." Later, same guy: "He just welded a @#$%ing flower, honey! Talent!" Points to the potato state.

wikus steel rose
"So you're telling me there's a chance?"

Kaitlyn and Britt rolled up at the same time in separate limos, as one does.

(I just read Steph Curry just did this to the Houston Rockets, and I'm kinda devastated that I didn't see it.)

Jared, the Restaurant Manager with Questionable Facial Hair, is the recipient of side-eye from Sarah. The fact that he's declared himself the superhero Love Man isn't helping his case.


koopa troopa
I love you so much, I'd take Toad in Mario Kart.

Sarah is decidedly pro anyone on #TeamKaitlyn, especially the hockey player who wanted to puck Kaitlyn. Some might be ashamed of hockey puns, but I bet he regretzkys nothing.

Oooh, a law student who doubles as an exotic dancer! You've got my atte...wait, it's a guy! No! NOO!

There's a guy in the house yelling "I'M ALL HORNED UP", who then went outside and told the guy who rolled up in a hot tub car "THAT CAR SUCKS!" I mean, he's not wrong, but that's not what one does.

Wait, Hot Tub Car Guy is an Amateur Sex Coach. Sar: "That means he just sits in the Self Help section of Barnes & Noble and whispers at women."

And suddently, a dentist just arrived in a giant cupcake car.

dentist wagon django unchained
Dentists are known for their stylish rides.

Our host just reminded us that the guys are choosing which woman they want to spend the season objectifying. Yes, Guy Who's All Horned Up gets the same number of votes as everyone else. Such is democracy.

The voting for which woman the men will pursue this season has begun! They place a rose in a box dedicated to the woman they want, based on appearance and a couple of hours of being in the same room. Meanwhile, in 1920...

susan b anthony meme

Guy Who's All Horned Up has literally started grabbing asses. I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for one of the guys to beat the crap out of...

...I stopped that sentence mid-stream because he stripped down and climbed in the pool. And then asked a dude why he isn't raping him right now. 

Ooop, our host is sending Guy Who's All Horned Up home because he's not there for The Right Reasons. Credit where it's due: the host actually perp-walked the dude to the van, not security. Props.

chris harrison professional badass
"Son, you need to leave before I snatch the life out you."

So far, Sar is a fan of Ian and J.J. Not even kidding, I know two dudes who lived together named Ian and J.J., except both were significantly uglier than anyone on this show. And me.

Running up on the end of the episode, this exchange occured:

Host: "All the votes have been cast..."
Sarah: "Blah blah blah, we already known Kaitlyn won."
Me: "...I didn't."
Sarah: "All the news outlets had it three months ago. You're a paleantologist, Ross, dig a little deeper!"

sad ross

Monday, May 18, 2015

Sarah Reviews Mad Max: A Recap

Disclaimer: I have never seen any of the previous Mad Max movies other than the previews, so I'm pretty sure all of this is only 97% correct. Spoiler alerts incoming, so don't read if you haven't seen it. Or read and giggle, like Paul did.

The movie starts with Max and his car being Maxnapped by some dudes. They move him to a prison inside a big valley of dry desert (with three water pipes that rarely get turned on). He wakes up and Lost Boys (a lot of whom are on supplemental oxygen) are tattooing him. He's fine, albeit a little annoyed, until they bust out the branding iron and try to brand him with a skull. Max gets up, runs, and evades capture for a good 45 seconds until they capture him again. He is clearly a prisoner, and it looks like his greatest use is his blood, since they tattoo "O Negative" on his back. 

Charlize Theron, whose name is Furiosa (because a lady can't be Furious), is a big rig truck driver who is branded with the skull and has her head shaved. She's driving her truck to deliver "the breeders" to somebody else, but decides to head east. The Boys on her truck think she was given orders to do so, but everybody else back at camp (which I'm assuming is Thunderdome; all it was missing was Tina Turner) gets their panties in a wad and go after her, led by Bane, Leader of the Lost Boys. Don't worry, they give her adequate warning: drums, fireworks, and a dude playing a flaming guitar strapped to the front of a truck all announce they're coming.

Sucks for Max though, because he's now officially Bro White's Blood Bag. Since Bro White wants to go hunt Furiosa, he does the logical thing: he straps Max to the front of his car and attaches him via an IV blood transfusion tube and a chain. Obviously.

This is probably not just unsanitary, but it's not ideal for war either. 

Nobody is super upset by possible infections, though, because after Furiosa drives straight into a lightning-filled dust storm, Bro White and his hood ornament follow. During this time, Max sees a bunch of old memories, with a creepy little girl, an old guy, and a child's voice. It's here that we realize Max is only mad because he's susceptible to flashbacks. 

The dust storm is over and somehow Max survives. He's still strapped via blood chain to Bro White, so he picks up the still-unconscious Bro and starts walking over to Furiosa's big rig. He finds the breeders (scantily clad hot girls dressed in all white) cutting off their chastity belts (except for the preggo one, who we find out later was seeded by Bane himself). 

Furiosa and Max fight a little, Bro White wakes up, they all fight some more, and Max wins the rig while simultaneously punching out Bro White and unchaining himself. He doesn't get far, however, because Furiosa has a trick rig where you have to punch in a secret code for it to go. They agree that they'll drive together with the Hot Girls in the back.

Furious explains that she has already negotiated a safe passage through a rock quarry by arranging a fuel pod trade with a Dirt Bike Gang (with fabric dreadlocks). The Dirt Bikers aren't happy that so many people were following her, so they try to stop her but with Bane and the Lost Boys trying to shoot her, the fuel pod blows up. Apparently cars in the desert can withstand a lot of fire.

Meanwhile, Bane and the Boys pick up Bro White, who says he can get Bane's baby for him. When Bane and his Boys catch up to Furiosa's rig, Bro White says he'll get Furiosa alive so Bane can torture her. He laughs and gives Bro a gun, then tells him to kill her. He jumps onto the rig...and almost immediately falls off. Bane rolls his eyes and continues trying to fight Furiosa and Max while Bro hides in the back of the rig. Meanwhile, the Hot Girlsproving that they are more than just hothelp Furiosa and Max try to fight off Bane when preggo chick swings out, barely misses a rock, then accidentally slips and falls off the rig....when Bane's car promptly runs her over. Bane is sad and grieves.

Driving away, all the Girls are sad too, but Drew Barrymore decides that they need to be on high alert and climbs to the back to be the lookout. She sees Bro White in the back and talks to him, and we realize that he's a misguided good guy. They share a moment.

Meanwhile, preggo girl dies and Bane orders her baby cut out. It's a boy, which means they're more sad than they would've been if it was a girl, 'cuz sexism.

We flash back to Max and Furiosa, whose rig is stuck in mud. They get it unstuck with Bro White, and it is reinforced that Bro White is #TeamCharlize. Who isn't? They drive away and Furiosa explains that she knows there's green land beyond all this desert because she is from there, was stolen as a young girl, and is trying to get redemption. They drive up to a naked woman in a tower and Furiosa explains who she is. The woman calls a warning cry, slides down a rope [rope burn?!], and a gang of older women on motorcycles all roll up. They walk up to Furiosa and reminisce over good times because, surprise: there's no green land left. Furiosa cries as dust blows around her.

Max convinces them that the only place he's seen vegetation recently is back at the Thunderdome, so they should turn around and go right back to where they came from. Sure enough, they head back and engage in yet another fight with Bane and the Lost Boys, but this time led in part by a dude with attached nipple chain.

[I Googled "Mad Max nipple chain" to get a photo for you and I instantly regretted it. Don't ever do this.]

They fight, and this time it's a little more fun because they all now have vehicles with long seesaw sticks attached to them. Good thing dude with flaming guitar is still strapped to the front of a truck, 'cuz Max uses it to hit someone in the head. Furiosa eventually hooks Bane's oxygen mask and pulls it off, but to shake off the rest of the Boys, Bro White sacrifices himself at the rock quarry to block everybody with the rig. Furiosa and the crew drive off in Bane's car, while Drew Barrymore cries. 

In the car, Furiosa is having a bit of a hard time because she has a collapsed lung. Don't worry though, Max took First Aid 101 in college so he knows where to stab her with a rusty knife so that her lungs can fill up with air properly. He also hooks up an impromptu blood transfusion because she's lost all hers. 

They get back to the Thunderdome and show Bane's body to the Lost Boys. Everybody cheers 'cuz Bane is dead, and now the Lost Boys have someone else to take orders from. They turn on the water and everybody is happy.

The movie ends there. While chatting with Paul about how to end this blog post, he told me that Tom Hardy (Max) signed a contract to do three more Mad Max movies. Anybody want to pull a Bro White and sacrifice himself to go in my place?

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Sarah Describes Mad Max

After a successful groundswell campaign, a viewing of Pitch Perfect 2 and an assurance that it would be at Cinebarre, Sarah and I are prepared to see Mad Max: Fury Road tomorrow.

There's been concern in our household that Sarah won't be able to follow the plot intricacies, as she hasn't seen Mad Max, The Road Warrior, or Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.

Given that Netflix hasn't made these fine classics available, I asked Sarah to watch the trailers and then describe what she thinks the plot was.

MAD MAX (1979)

Sarah's Hot Take: "So the police officers suck. People are escaping from jails, especially the Glory Roaders who escape from jail and steal a baby from a woman on foot. I don't know if they get away with it because Mad Max's eyeballs get really big and then he blows things up. That's all that happens."


Sarah's Hot Take: "The bad guys have moved from stealing babies to eco-terrorism. There's a guy in dominatrix gear who really, really, really needs gasoline. A lot of nothing happens, but we better pray that Hot Mel Gibson will save the gasoline. I'm guessing he accomplishes his goal because there's another Mad Max."


Sarah's Hot Take: "Less Hot Mel Gibson tries to save a bunch of children, whose leader is Tina Turner. I'm not sure where they get the name Thunderdome except maybe Mel Gibson's pants. I guess the Thunderdome is that big metal thing with all the Lost Boys hanging down. Tina Turner's earrings are on-point."


Sarah's Hot Take: "A much hotter Mad Max than Mel Gibson steals some children from Bane. Bane has clearly aged from the last time we've seen him on screen. Charlize Theron is apparently one of these children. They shaved her head so she'd look young. A lot of explosions happen. This is the fourth trailer in a row that we've seen cars flip upside-down, and I'm already regretting that I told you I'd go with you to see it."

[Editor's Note: When I told Sarah that New Mad Max was Bane, her reaction was, "WHAT?!"]

Blog post incoming from The Wife tomorrow once she's seen the latest installment of Reasonably Upset Max's saga.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

An Open Letter to My Wife, re: Mad Max: Fury Road

Hi Honey,

We need to see Mad Max: Fury Road this weekend. Now, I know you aren’t excited about it, but I’m sure that’s just because you haven’t read up on it yet. Allow me to drop some wisdom. Let's start with our hero.

Look at this photo. Look at it. Isn’t that the Baddest Dude to ever walk Australia?

mad max fury road poster
I got your crosswalk RIGHT HERE.

No, Seriously, This Guy. Effed up knee? Doesn’t matter. He’s got a sawed-off shotgun and a wrench. And a dog. Know what the dog’s name is? No one does. Because he’s too badass to name. Also, it’s scientific fact that Blue Heelers are nature’s most hardcore dog.

mad max mel gibson
As seen on South Park

What, that’s not enough? How about the talented artists making this movie.

So Many Award Winners. Academy Award winning director George Miller, Academy Award winner Charlize Theron, four-time MTV Movie Award nominee Tom Hardy, Teen Choice Award winner Nicholas Hoult, and daughter of Grammy Award winner Lenny Kravitz, Zoe Kravitz. How can you go wrong with such a talented ensemble?

lenny kravitz dreads
"Starring the fruit of my dreads..."

Directorial Firepower. The director of Mad Max: Fury Road also directed cinematic classics such as Mad Max, The Road Warrior, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, and Babe: Pig in the City.

babe pig in the city thunderdome
oink oink who runs bartertown oink

Still no? Let me tell you about Mad Max's accomplishments. 

Mad Max Survived Thunderdome. Have you stared down Storm from the X-Men and won? Mad Max has.

tina turner thunderdome aunty entity
Nah, for real, Tina Turner is a national treasure

He's Got a Soundtrack. Storm even produced a song for Mad Max. Only James Bond has more swagger.

He's a National Hero. Australians recently voted Mad Max as their greatest hero, beating out Steve Irwin. I don’t have a source to cite for that, but it’s probably true.

steve irwin crocodile hunter
"Crikey, Sarah, go see Mad Max: Fury Road!"

Okay, and if all that somehow doesn’t convince you, lemme introduce you to DAT TRAILER.

Just let me know if you whether you want our tickets for Saturday or Sunday.

Love you sweetie,

Your Husband

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Blogging as a hobby?

Paul and I keep saying, "We should really get back into blogging."

Considering this is our first blog post but we've been talking about it since January, I'd have to say that we're pretty much failing at this goal.


Thanks to an awesome blog header by Joelle (the best wedding planner we know), we're now actually blogging, and trying to figure out a cadence to introducing our lives a little more to the public. You know, beyond our Twitter accounts.

Wish us luck.