Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Paul's Bachelorette Live Journal

Being married means sometimes you watch things you wouldn't otherwise. For Sarah, that means Mad Max: Fury Road. For me, that means The Bachelorette. To help you understand what I'm going through, I'm keeping a live journal of the first episode.

Our host explains tonight is controversial because there are two The Bachelorettes, but for one night only.

According to our host, the men were split on which woman they could fall in love with after not interacting with either even once, so they decided to let them choose. Much like you would determine what book to read by its cover, or how you might be torn on which piece of meat to get from the grocery store.

butcher britt kaitlyn bachelorette

Sarah, reacting to the host saying Britt was sincere: "Is she?! Then why does everyone say she isn't?!" Sar then went on to ask if Britt ordered the Code Red.

"ARE YOU HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS?!"

Britt apparently fell in love on her first night of The Bachelor, as one does.

Sar, actual quote: "He's cute...but he lives in Idaho." Later, same guy: "He just welded a @#$%ing flower, honey! Talent!" Points to the potato state.

wikus steel rose
"So you're telling me there's a chance?"

Kaitlyn and Britt rolled up at the same time in separate limos, as one does.

(I just read Steph Curry just did this to the Houston Rockets, and I'm kinda devastated that I didn't see it.)

Jared, the Restaurant Manager with Questionable Facial Hair, is the recipient of side-eye from Sarah. The fact that he's declared himself the superhero Love Man isn't helping his case.

THERE'S A DUDE NAMED KUPAH ON THE SHOW. Shut down everything.

koopa troopa
I love you so much, I'd take Toad in Mario Kart.

Sarah is decidedly pro anyone on #TeamKaitlyn, especially the hockey player who wanted to puck Kaitlyn. Some might be ashamed of hockey puns, but I bet he regretzkys nothing.

Oooh, a law student who doubles as an exotic dancer! You've got my atte...wait, it's a guy! No! NOO!

There's a guy in the house yelling "I'M ALL HORNED UP", who then went outside and told the guy who rolled up in a hot tub car "THAT CAR SUCKS!" I mean, he's not wrong, but that's not what one does.

Wait, Hot Tub Car Guy is an Amateur Sex Coach. Sar: "That means he just sits in the Self Help section of Barnes & Noble and whispers at women."

And suddently, a dentist just arrived in a giant cupcake car.

dentist wagon django unchained
Dentists are known for their stylish rides.

Our host just reminded us that the guys are choosing which woman they want to spend the season objectifying. Yes, Guy Who's All Horned Up gets the same number of votes as everyone else. Such is democracy.

The voting for which woman the men will pursue this season has begun! They place a rose in a box dedicated to the woman they want, based on appearance and a couple of hours of being in the same room. Meanwhile, in 1920...

susan b anthony meme

Guy Who's All Horned Up has literally started grabbing asses. I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for one of the guys to beat the crap out of...

...I stopped that sentence mid-stream because he stripped down and climbed in the pool. And then asked a dude why he isn't raping him right now. 

Ooop, our host is sending Guy Who's All Horned Up home because he's not there for The Right Reasons. Credit where it's due: the host actually perp-walked the dude to the van, not security. Props.

chris harrison professional badass
"Son, you need to leave before I snatch the life out you."

So far, Sar is a fan of Ian and J.J. Not even kidding, I know two dudes who lived together named Ian and J.J., except both were significantly uglier than anyone on this show. And me.

Running up on the end of the episode, this exchange occured:

Host: "All the votes have been cast..."
Sarah: "Blah blah blah, we already known Kaitlyn won."
Me: "...I didn't."
Sarah: "All the news outlets had it three months ago. You're a paleantologist, Ross, dig a little deeper!"

sad ross



2 comments:

  1. I read this early in the morning and laughed so hard I woke Cooper up. LOVE your butcher shop graphic! I won't watch the show, but I've always loved Sarah's recaps, and this blog capturing reactions & comments from both of you is a work of snarky comic art.

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  2. I have never watched more than a clip of The Bachelor/ette, usually on The Soup, but this was HILARIOUS.

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