Monday, May 18, 2015

Sarah Reviews Mad Max: A Recap

Disclaimer: I have never seen any of the previous Mad Max movies other than the previews, so I'm pretty sure all of this is only 97% correct. Spoiler alerts incoming, so don't read if you haven't seen it. Or read and giggle, like Paul did.

The movie starts with Max and his car being Maxnapped by some dudes. They move him to a prison inside a big valley of dry desert (with three water pipes that rarely get turned on). He wakes up and Lost Boys (a lot of whom are on supplemental oxygen) are tattooing him. He's fine, albeit a little annoyed, until they bust out the branding iron and try to brand him with a skull. Max gets up, runs, and evades capture for a good 45 seconds until they capture him again. He is clearly a prisoner, and it looks like his greatest use is his blood, since they tattoo "O Negative" on his back. 

Charlize Theron, whose name is Furiosa (because a lady can't be Furious), is a big rig truck driver who is branded with the skull and has her head shaved. She's driving her truck to deliver "the breeders" to somebody else, but decides to head east. The Boys on her truck think she was given orders to do so, but everybody else back at camp (which I'm assuming is Thunderdome; all it was missing was Tina Turner) gets their panties in a wad and go after her, led by Bane, Leader of the Lost Boys. Don't worry, they give her adequate warning: drums, fireworks, and a dude playing a flaming guitar strapped to the front of a truck all announce they're coming.

Sucks for Max though, because he's now officially Bro White's Blood Bag. Since Bro White wants to go hunt Furiosa, he does the logical thing: he straps Max to the front of his car and attaches him via an IV blood transfusion tube and a chain. Obviously.

This is probably not just unsanitary, but it's not ideal for war either. 

Nobody is super upset by possible infections, though, because after Furiosa drives straight into a lightning-filled dust storm, Bro White and his hood ornament follow. During this time, Max sees a bunch of old memories, with a creepy little girl, an old guy, and a child's voice. It's here that we realize Max is only mad because he's susceptible to flashbacks. 

The dust storm is over and somehow Max survives. He's still strapped via blood chain to Bro White, so he picks up the still-unconscious Bro and starts walking over to Furiosa's big rig. He finds the breeders (scantily clad hot girls dressed in all white) cutting off their chastity belts (except for the preggo one, who we find out later was seeded by Bane himself). 

Furiosa and Max fight a little, Bro White wakes up, they all fight some more, and Max wins the rig while simultaneously punching out Bro White and unchaining himself. He doesn't get far, however, because Furiosa has a trick rig where you have to punch in a secret code for it to go. They agree that they'll drive together with the Hot Girls in the back.

Furious explains that she has already negotiated a safe passage through a rock quarry by arranging a fuel pod trade with a Dirt Bike Gang (with fabric dreadlocks). The Dirt Bikers aren't happy that so many people were following her, so they try to stop her but with Bane and the Lost Boys trying to shoot her, the fuel pod blows up. Apparently cars in the desert can withstand a lot of fire.

Meanwhile, Bane and the Boys pick up Bro White, who says he can get Bane's baby for him. When Bane and his Boys catch up to Furiosa's rig, Bro White says he'll get Furiosa alive so Bane can torture her. He laughs and gives Bro a gun, then tells him to kill her. He jumps onto the rig...and almost immediately falls off. Bane rolls his eyes and continues trying to fight Furiosa and Max while Bro hides in the back of the rig. Meanwhile, the Hot Girlsproving that they are more than just hothelp Furiosa and Max try to fight off Bane when preggo chick swings out, barely misses a rock, then accidentally slips and falls off the rig....when Bane's car promptly runs her over. Bane is sad and grieves.

Driving away, all the Girls are sad too, but Drew Barrymore decides that they need to be on high alert and climbs to the back to be the lookout. She sees Bro White in the back and talks to him, and we realize that he's a misguided good guy. They share a moment.

Meanwhile, preggo girl dies and Bane orders her baby cut out. It's a boy, which means they're more sad than they would've been if it was a girl, 'cuz sexism.

We flash back to Max and Furiosa, whose rig is stuck in mud. They get it unstuck with Bro White, and it is reinforced that Bro White is #TeamCharlize. Who isn't? They drive away and Furiosa explains that she knows there's green land beyond all this desert because she is from there, was stolen as a young girl, and is trying to get redemption. They drive up to a naked woman in a tower and Furiosa explains who she is. The woman calls a warning cry, slides down a rope [rope burn?!], and a gang of older women on motorcycles all roll up. They walk up to Furiosa and reminisce over good times because, surprise: there's no green land left. Furiosa cries as dust blows around her.

Max convinces them that the only place he's seen vegetation recently is back at the Thunderdome, so they should turn around and go right back to where they came from. Sure enough, they head back and engage in yet another fight with Bane and the Lost Boys, but this time led in part by a dude with attached nipple chain.

[I Googled "Mad Max nipple chain" to get a photo for you and I instantly regretted it. Don't ever do this.]

They fight, and this time it's a little more fun because they all now have vehicles with long seesaw sticks attached to them. Good thing dude with flaming guitar is still strapped to the front of a truck, 'cuz Max uses it to hit someone in the head. Furiosa eventually hooks Bane's oxygen mask and pulls it off, but to shake off the rest of the Boys, Bro White sacrifices himself at the rock quarry to block everybody with the rig. Furiosa and the crew drive off in Bane's car, while Drew Barrymore cries. 

In the car, Furiosa is having a bit of a hard time because she has a collapsed lung. Don't worry though, Max took First Aid 101 in college so he knows where to stab her with a rusty knife so that her lungs can fill up with air properly. He also hooks up an impromptu blood transfusion because she's lost all hers. 

They get back to the Thunderdome and show Bane's body to the Lost Boys. Everybody cheers 'cuz Bane is dead, and now the Lost Boys have someone else to take orders from. They turn on the water and everybody is happy.

The movie ends there. While chatting with Paul about how to end this blog post, he told me that Tom Hardy (Max) signed a contract to do three more Mad Max movies. Anybody want to pull a Bro White and sacrifice himself to go in my place?

1 comment:

  1. Well, I definitely DON'T need to see the movie now. It couldn't compare to your recap.